I haven't posted in a while, truth be told I have A LOT going on.
Last week was supposed to be the best week ever for my partner and I. We had our home move scheduled for last Sunday morning and we were both beyond excited, it's the most perfect house ever and we both fell in love with it the moment we saw it, we had been looking forward to moving for weeks since passing our reference checks and waiting to collect the keys from the agency. We were both absolutely buzzing to move into our little dream house together and start fresh in a new town closer to our work etc, however my excitement was very short lived when I had to go to hospital last Wednesday night.
I had been suffering pain in my lower right abdomen for 4 days and by Wednesday night the pain was extremely bad and I was unable to sleep or lie still due to the pain. I wasn't worried as I have a lot of bladder and kidney problems so I'd been treating myself for a urine infection from home - which is something I have to do now and then - no biggy.
On Wednesday night around 10:30pm my partner couldn't watch me in pain anymore and told me we were going to A&E otherwise he was going to call an ambulance, so reluctantly I got up out of bed, put on some jeans (with great difficulty) and got in the car.
THE HOSPITAL VISIT
We arrived at A&E around 11:00pm and I was taken into a room with a nurse who asked me a series of questions regarding the pain, I was then taken to a cubicle to wait on a doctor. Not long after we were greeted by a doctor who asked me all the same questions again and felt my tummy, he then explained to me it could be one of two things; it could either be my urinary tract problems or appendicitis, by this point I was completely sh**ing myself about getting my appendix removed. The doctor left and told me a surgeon would come down and examine me, in the meantime we had to wait in the cubicle whilst nurses came in and out doing my obs etc. After a long wait we were finally greeted by a surgeon who I had to start from scratch explaining my symptoms and have him examine my tummy again - which really hurt. The surgeon gave me the same diagnosis, however said although they weren't ruling appendicitis out it was more likely to be my urinary tract problems as I wasn't unwell, nausea, vomiting, fever or any other symptoms related to appendicitis. After speaking to the surgeon I was a little relieved, he told me I would have to go for an X-Ray and be admitted overnight till we find out what the cause of the pain is, I very reluctantly agreed however - like a big baby I cried when they told me I had to be admitted due to panicking about college, work, the house move and money. The doctor took some bloods from me and put a cannula in my arm to give me some IV antibiotics and take bloods. Around 2am they came to collect me for my X-Ray and I had to say goodbye to my man which was awful, I was taken for my X-Ray then taken to a ward upstairs. I pretty much got no sleep due to noises, nurses, machines etc.
JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE PROBLEMS
The next day a different doctor came round and examined me and told me he would like me to go for an ultrasound as they were still unsure where the pain was coming from. At 3pm that day a porter came and got me from the ward and took me down for an ultrasound, I sat and waited for 30 minutes before being seen and then finally a nurse came to take me into the scanning room. I laid on the bed and they put the jelly on my belly and began the ultrasound. The nurse and ultrasound technician were really nice and put me at ease - at first - till the technician said out loud "WOW look at the size of that cyst". Immediately I panicked and began to cry as I asked where the cyst was, he said "next to your bladder, its 7.6cm big". That was the only information I got, the nurse was lovely and tried to calm me down and I then returned to my wheelchair and had to wait in the corridor for another porter to take me back to the ward. As I sat in the corridor I just cried and cried, I couldn't help it as I was so scared. Shortly after the porter took me to the ward, I kept my cool until I was back on the ward and again I cried as soon as I was back in bed. I had pulled my curtain over so no one could see me. I called my partner crying to explain what had happened, and told him they hadn't given me any information other than a 7.6cm cyst. My main worry was that it was on my ovary but no one could even tell me if this was the case. I asked a nurse when I would find out and her response was "when the doctor comes, it could be whenever", the most unhelpful nurses ever.
Around 4.30pm my partner and my mum had come in, I was feeling a bit better by this point but they knew how scared I was, my mum spoke to a nurse and after harassing them a good few times they agreed to speak to the doctor. A little bit later the doctor came to speak to me and told me the cyst was in fact on my ovary, I instantly cried - again! The doctor couldn't answer any of my questions such as "Will this affect my fertility, will it harm me if it bursts, could I lose an ovary?" His response was "I don't want to lie to you, I'm not a gynaecologist so I don't know". He then told me they were going to transfer me to a different hospital where they had a gynaecology department and they could help me more. I waited 6 hours on an ambulance to come up to complete the transfer to then be told the ambulances were busy elsewhere and they had called me a taxi, I was extremely annoyed at this since my mum and partner were there and I could've gone in the car with them.
Finally at 11.15pm-ish the taxi arrived and off I went to the other hospital, it was around 11.45pm when I finally arrived at the hospital, I was glad to finally get a bed - and I also had a room of my own which was good after getting no sleep the previous night. The nurse took my obs and explained a doctor would be in to speak to me soon - around 1am the doctor arrived and answered all my questions, he reassured me they would do everything they could to ensure no damage was made to my ovary and explained any surgery necessary would be done via keyhole surgery, I felt better after speaking to him - he put my mind at ease a little and he told me the specialist doctor would be there to see me in the morning and examine me and go from there.
The next morning my specialist gynaecologist doctor came in to speak to me, she explained how she'd just read my huge medical file from the day I was born till now - and asked me to explain my symptoms once more. She asked about my periods and sexual health and apologised for being so personal. After examining me she suggested an internal examination would give her a clearer picture of what was going on, I consented to this and made my way to the examination room. I had to lay on a bed with my legs in stirrups - not the most attractive thing however I was just glad they were helping me. She had the internal scan inside me scanning me for what seemed like forever, it was over half an hour anyway which had me really worried as she had a sort of confused look on her face, I tried to keep my composure despite the fact my heart was racing and I was so scared. She then explained to me my cyst looked harmless and there was no cancerous looking lumps or bumps, however my uterus seemed to look different and have two walls or something, I'm not entirely sure the words she said as it was so much information to take in, she ordered me to go for an MRI scan to find out exactly what was wrong. At 1pm I went for my MRI scan and then returned to my room. My mum and partner came to visit and then the doctor returned to let me know she had the results of my MRI, I told her it was OK for my mum and partner to stay.
This is where my nightmare truly began. She confirmed the cyst was a benign cyst - absolutely nothing to worry about, they did not want to remove or drain the cyst and the hope is the cyst will go away on it's own. She said the cyst was not causing me any pain and the cyst had been found incidental and my pain was coming from my bladder infection. After tons of good news came the bad news, my uterus - she confirmed I have Uterus Didelphys, which means when I was inside my mother's womb my uterus didn't form properly and I have a wall coming down the middle seperating it into two parts, which can cause miscarriage, and premature birth. I've already suffered miscarriages so I now have answers as to why it's happened. As soon as she told me the news I burst into tears, I lay on the bed and sobbed my heart out, I felt like my whole world had just crashed down right in front of me, why was this happening to me? Why me? I've wanted a baby for so long and now I may never be a mother with only 63% chance of my baby surviving in my womb. My partner came over and cuddled me, he was crying right beside me - he knows how much I want to me a mum.
When everyone left that night I just lay in my hospital bed crying. My partner was texting me and said he was worried as I sounded upset - I wouldn't answer the phone (due to crying) so he called the front desk and asked the nurses to check on me, so for the rest of the night I had them in and out watching over me when all I wanted was to be left alone.
The next day I was told I could get out with antibiotics to treat my urine infection. The doctor explained to me she would transfer me to speak to a pre-pregnancy counsellor to help me understand more and deal with my emotions better, and I will return in 3 months for another ultrasound on my cyst.
THE FEAR FOR WHAT MIGHT NEVER BE
Needless to say I'm still trying to get my head around it - I'm beyond devastated and I wish it had been ANYTHING else but this. It's on my mind all day every day - what if this doesn't happen for me? What more is life going to throw at me?
My partner has been so supportive. I'm so thankful for him, he's been my rock and I couldn't of been through any of this without him. He's amazing and he tells me every day we will be parents, we will try everything in our power and we won't give up!