Thursday, 22 June 2017

Trying to Conceive: My Journey Update. Month #1



As most of my regular followers will know, my partner and I are trying for a baby, however it's not as straight forward for me as what it is for a lot of women.  I have Uterus Didelphys which means it may be a lot harder for me to actually make it happen, and there is a chance it may never happen for me. Once per month I am going to post an update regarding the topic, and I feel although I am updating you guys it will really benefit me to write about my journey, and talk about my emotions each month as I don't really feel comfortable talking about it with friends and family, I know I have people I could talk to but it's hard for me sometimes to open up to people. Although my partner is very supportive with this sometimes I don't feel I can completely open up about it as he is so positive and he genuinely believes it's going to happen soon.

This is our first month of trying to conceive, and it's only been a little over a month since my diagnosis (almost 6 weeks) - so the news is still pretty raw and I'm still under a lot of stress, although the pain is kind of easing and I'm trying to cling on to hope to get me through these long tough days.

Due to only coming off contraceptive pill a month ago I can't be completely sure when my period is due which makes it really hard to be exact.  I used ovulation sticks to track my ovulation this month however I have trouble reading them. According to them I didn't ovulate at all, after a lot of worrying and a lot of research I figured I could of taken the test at the wrong times as it is best to take it in the afternoon. I was taking them in the morning as I figured morning is best since that's the case with pregnancy tests - apparently not! I also may have been testing at the wrong time as I couldn't be sure how long my cycle was, I was testing based on a 35 day cycle however based on the time my period arrived this month my cycle seems to be a 39 day cycle - I'm making sure to keep track of everything using Ovia Fertility App which is actually really useful.

I got my last period on the 14th May and it ended on the 18th, and this month it came on the 17th, which seems to be a 6 day period as opposed to last months 4 day, so I think my body is still adjusting to being off the contraceptive pill.

Last week my partner said he "had a feeling" I was pregnant, and went out and got me a test.  Sadly the test was negative however I did tell him it was pretty early to test, this was obviously before my period arrived.  I took another the next morning and another big fat negative happened! I didn't expect to feel a feeling of huge disappointment so early as I knew it wasn't going to happen this quick, but I do feel disappointed that it didn't happen, and of course my period also arrived the other day as I mentioned earlier in the post. I could of cried when I started bleeding, I don't know why I feel like that so soon because I knew I wasn't pregnant, I just knew.



I hope it happens for us quickly because I think all this disappointment may break me down very fast. I don't know how strong I can be, I feel like I've been trying to be strong for too long and life keeps throwing things at me. I am going to purchase lots of ovulation sticks as I am determined to catch the right time, and I have purchased my man a sperm fertility test online, I'm not really sure how those work but I want to try everything to ensure our chances are maximised.

Wish us luck!

Thursday, 15 June 2017

5 Hard Lessons I learned In My Early 20's





1. Not everyone who "hangs with you" is your friend.

This is one of the hardest things I learned. You can be so close to people, trust them with absolutely everything you have and think they are always going to be there no matter what. Maybe you can't imagine your life without them and you have been through a lot together, that means nothing sometimes. I had the best friends, they meant the world to me and I still miss them every day in life, but they turned their backs on me after a drunken fallout in which we were all at fault (mainly one of the other girls). It hurts me to the core to this day however that's just down to my nature, I don't move on from things easily although I do appear to. One of them we had been best of friends for 13 years and the other I had been close with for 4 years, and although myself and my longest friend talk now it's a few texts a month if you're lucky, the friendship just withered away and died and it's pretty sad. The other shorter friendship although it was shorter through those years she had been my rock many times. I never once could of imagined she would turn on me the way she did and spite me the way she has, it still hurts. I am such a loyal person, and although they have hurt me more than words could even describe I will always miss their company and friendship. This has taught me not everyone who claims to always be there no matter what will actually always be there, only depend on yourself and never let yourself get to the point your happiness is dependant on another human being.

Monday, 12 June 2017

Trying to Conceive with Uterus Didelphys (Double Uterus)



As per one of my previous posts, most of you will know I was diagnosed with Uterus Didelphys around a month ago.  If you don't know what my rare condition is, read my previous post here to find out about my diagnosis and a little more about it.  I plan on creating an educating post to teach those all about the condition and raise awareness soon.

Anyway, since my diagnosis I've cried MANY tears.  I've asked "Why me?" What have I done so wrong to deserve this?" It's been a very hard month and I've had more down moments than up's.  I've spent majority of the month thinking about it, wondering why I'm not normal, wondering how I can ever cope or be happy again, it's just been one massive nightmare to be completely honest.

All of my life I've wanted to have children, anyone who knows me knows just how much, and now I've finally found someone and settled down I've been told it might never happen for me.  I mean, it CAN still happen, I've been told it's still possible, but I have much higher risk of miscarriage, (more likely late miscarriage) and preterm labour.  As someone who has already suffered multiple miscarriages and always longed for a child for so long this news is absolutely devastating to me, it's pretty much the worst thing that could of happened in my eyes, and although that sounds selfish and others have it much worse I can't help feeling this way.

My partner and I made the decision to start trying for a baby right away, due to the fact we want children together and it may take years, or may even never happen, we thought it is the right choice to start now and take everything that comes our way.  I came off my contraceptive pill and since then we've been actively trying to get pregnant, this is extremely recent though so we're still in very early stages.

I joined a few Facebook support groups although only one is specifically aimed at Uterus Didelphys, the other is about multiple different uterus abnormalities.  Through the groups I've found lots of girls with the same rare condition as I have which has given me some hope, lots of them have babies and have had successful pregnancies so this is what I need to hang on to, without hope I have nothing else.  No one understands what I'm going through so it's nice to have others who completely get it.

My partner is supportive, however sometimes the positivity is too much, I completely understand he is trying to stay positive for me and lift my spirits and cheer me up but I feel as though he doesn't fully understand how high the risk is, how high the chance we may never have a baby is.  I feel like he is sure it's going to happen and sometimes I just feel as though I need him to realise what is happening and how hard this may be for us.

I've been tracking my ovulation on an app on my phone, and I purchased ovulation sticks from boots to track when I was ovulating (although we have pretty regular sex anyway).

I'm due my period in a few days, and although everything is crossed I know it's going to take longer than a month to conceive, however I'm hoping it happens regardless how long it takes.

I am so worried of miscarrying again, I keep thinking, "am I strong enough to cope with another loss?" I don't know if I am, but at least this time I will have my man's support all the way through, and at least now the hospital know of my condition and can monitor me correctly.

I'm going to be a nervous wreck if I do fall pregnant.  For now I'm continuing to research as much as I possibly can about my condition and learn as much as I can, as it's so rare not a lot of information is available and doctors don't seem to really know much about it.

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear, I am hoping and praying for my little miracle baby.

Stay tuned for my post on this rare condition - coming very soon.

If you are suffering with this I would LOVE to hear from you, my contact link is on the home page of my blog near the top of the page.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Here's Why My Cat Turned on his Sister After a Vet Visit.


My little 6 and a half month old kitten went for her spaying surgery yesterday.  Needless to say I was a complete emotional wreck and was super happy when it was time to collect her from the vet.  To my surprise she was very alert and came straight home to start eating, drinking, and jumping about like a crazy lady just as before, I was expecting her to be groggy and lifeless, so far so good.... That was until she approached our older cat.

My little girl went up to  her brother and rather than a lovely welcoming home cuddle as expected, he hissed in her face and walked away from her.  I was completely and utterly shocked and taken back, they are normally the BEST of friends, they cuddle, lick each other, sleep together, play together, never leave each other's sides, I just could not get my head around this at all.  Naturally I started telling my older cat off saying phrases such as; "NO, that is your sister, why are you doing that", yes I am aware my cats don't understand me but it is a normal thing for me to speak to them as if they can (LOL).

Instantly I turned to google, thinking, how can this be happening, could something vet related trigger this?  Could it be because he smells other animals on her?  So off I went to begin my google search on my phone and sure enough I received my answers.

NON RECOGNITION AGGRESSION.

Yep, it's a thing!  After reading multiple links, stories, forums, it is exactly what I am currently experiencing, start off as best friends, play together, groom each other, sleep cuddled up to each other and then one day after a vet visit, the stay at home cat hisses or attacks the other cat - LUCKILY in my case my older cat has a great temperament and would never attack, the most he has done is hiss and hit her with his paw. Phew! I could not handle attacks between my babies.

This can be prevented according to everything I've read, however unfortunately for myself it's too late, all I can do is let them familiarise with each other again and let the medical scents and other animal scents wear off, however it's good to know for future reference.

For those of you who have cat's and may find the information useful, here's how to prevent non-recognition aggression:

  1. Remove any veterinary odors from the returning cat by either bathing or using unscented baby wipes. Personally from a cat owners point of view I wouldn't actually suggest this even if the websites do, the cat is already beyond stressed, and poorly, the last thing you want is to add more stress and pain to the poor thing.
  2. Try rubbing something with the cats regular scents on them, such as a blanket or favourite toy. Ensure you rub both cats with this item.
  3. Keep the cats separated for a while - possibly even a few days.
  4. Reward cats with treats when positive interaction occurs. 
Some experts advise to take both cats to the vet together even if only one cat needs vet attention.

Hopefully my babies become besties again VERY SOON.  This is killing me!

Thursday, 25 May 2017

My Buys #1


Hi everyone.

I thought I would do a slightly different post this time and show you guys the random junk I buy every now and again. No filter, I have included every item I've purchased last week (except food).

Below each picture I've explained what each item is, how much it cost, where I got it, and a brief review on each product. (Where possible)

You might even see something you like!


1. Cereal Dispenser



I actually loved the idea of this as soon as I saw it, I was originally looking to buy a bang average cereal tub - until I came across this fancy thing. 

Although it is fancy and cool looking, and I LOVED it at first, I don't think it's great for holding cereal. If the cereal is small (such as; coco pops) it works a treat, however when I put cheerio's and wheeto's in, the handle broke as they got stuck and couldn't come out properly.

Cost £14.99 - From Ebay.


2. 2 x White Lace Tealight Candle Holders 


I loved these when I saw them as they fit in with the shabby chic theme of our new house.

Cost £1.00 each - From Poundworld.


3. Grey Happiness Photo Frame


I was looking for a photo frame to put a picture of my partner and I in. I saw this and thought it was perfect. I actually bought two of them, one is proudly on our mantle piece displaying our picture and this one pictured above is patiently waiting on me getting the other picture printed off to be proudly displayed on the mantle piece alongside it's friend.

Cost £1.00 each - From Poundworld.


4. Home Ceramic Candle Holder


I bought this to display on my shelving unit in my living room. I had a shelf to fill and decided this would be perfect to display alongside all my other ornamental decorative items. I would show you however the tour of my house is for another post at a later date!

Cost £1.00 - From Poundworld.


5. White Shabby Chic Candle Holder


Yes it does say "Candle Holder" and yes I have got tea spoons inside.  Our cutlery is held in a hanging bucket on a rack on our kitchen wall, however we could never get the teaspoons as they would fall right inside, so I thought this little bucket candle holder would be perfect to sit on our work top and hold our tea spoons whilst matching in with our shabby chic theme.

Cost £1.00 each - From Poundworld.


6. Home Sweet Home Light Up Key Holder


As soon as I seen this I HAD to have it.  I forgot to take a picture of the inside, but it has 9 hooks for all your keys to hang. AND it lights up, I absolutely love it. The only down side is you can't hang a large bunch of keys or large key rings or anything otherwise the door won't close, so it isn't recommended if you like lots of keyrings or have all your keys bunched together.

Cost £8.00 - Wilko


6. 2 x Plant Pot Ash Trays


I will start by saying NO I DO NOT smoke, I HATE smoking, however unfortunately my partner has this disgusting habit/addiction. I HATE ash trays, and he is only allowed to smoke outside, so I thought these plant pot ash trays would be great as they are themed for the garden whilst hiding all the disgusting ash and cigarette ends inside the pot. Ideal.

Cost £1.00 each - From Poundworld.


I am aware most of my post was purchased from Poundworld, however Poundworld is the only place I've been so far, I've been super busy. We plan on going a big shopping trip when we get paid and hopefully I will have a lot more goodies to share with you then..

What have YOU bought this week?

Thursday, 18 May 2017

Review: Implanon Contraceptive Implant



After being on the contraceptive pill (loestrin 30) for a while I decided to get the implant (implanon) - also known as "the rod" - inserted into my arm at the sexual health clinic - I wanted this for many reasons, such as; headaches, not having to remember to take the pill every day, amongst some other minor reasons.

I went to the clinic and the nurse explained all of the pros and cons, I then laid down on the table and she put anaesthetic in my arm, then proceeded to insert the implant into my left upper arm.  I was nervous when I laid down on the bed, however I actually felt nothing other than a slight nip when getting the anaesthetic jag.

The first 3 months I was pretty lucky, I didn't get the prolonged bleeding she said could happen, I didn't have any major hormonal mood changes etc, so far so good. Every month I would bleed around when my period would be due... sometimes that period would last one hour - yes an hour....sometimes one day... two or three at absolute most, so far this implant was a dream!

Month 4 I wasn't so lucky, I had a 9 day period which felt like a lifetime, but I accepted it as not being so bad considering some girls can bleed for months, however two weeks later I started bleeding again - this time for 16 days.

By this point we were into month 5, and again only two weeks later I started bleeding again.  I didn't realise how stressful prolonged bleeding can be, every time I was bleeding I also had full blown period symptoms, snappy, irritable, cramps, hormonal, emotional, break outs etc, so needless to say I was beyond miserable come month 6 and it started to really effect me badly.  

I decided to have my implant removed, so again I returned to the sexual health clinic by appointment and had it removed, the nurse was SO unsympathetic towards my reasons and she was extremely rude towards me, she snapped at me informing me how the side effects were explained to me before insertion of the Implanon implant, to which I replied "I understand this, however I never realised how much of a negative effect it could have on my mood and wellbeing".  She ignored this comment and asked what I plan to use as future contraception, I told her I would return to using the pill and she again snapped at how the pill is not as good a method as the implant and how it is not as successful in preventing pregnancy.  I was extremely angry come this point so I tried my best to ignore her snappy rude attitude and remarks, she even at one point told me my GP does not know what he is talking about as they are not clued up on contraception - again I said nothing, I just cut her off and told her I wanted it removed no matter what.  She told me to lie on the bed, and gave me an injection of anaesthetic, made a cut in my skin and pushed the implant out - it was over in less than 4 minutes which includes waiting on the anaesthetic setting in. Afterwords I stood up and she told me to see my GP for the pill and dismissed me instantly. I left feeling annoyed and I had no time to ask any questions.

The implant was not for me, it may work for many others but this is not for me in any way due to not being able to handle the excessive bleeding, if you don't think it's something you could handle steer clear.  I also felt I was constantly hungry whilst using the implanon implant.  I also believe this is the cause of the large 88m cyst which has developed on my ovary (it is listed in the side effects).  I regret ever having the implant and would never use it again, however due to recent news regarding my uterus I won't be using any method of contraception.

I Have Uterus Didelphys (Double Uterus)



I haven't posted in a while, truth be told I have A LOT going on.

THE BEGINNING

Last week was supposed to be the best week ever for my partner and I.  We had our home move scheduled for last Sunday morning and we were both beyond excited, it's the most perfect house ever and we both fell in love with it the moment we saw it, we had been looking forward to moving for weeks since passing our reference checks and waiting to collect the keys from the agency.  We were both absolutely buzzing to move into our little dream house together and start fresh in a new town closer to our work etc, however my excitement was very short lived when I had to go to hospital last Wednesday night.

I had been suffering pain in my lower right abdomen for 4 days and by Wednesday night the pain was extremely bad and I was unable to sleep or lie still due to the pain.  I wasn't worried as I have a lot of bladder and kidney problems so I'd been treating myself for a urine infection from home - which is something I have to do now and then - no biggy.

On Wednesday night around 10:30pm my partner couldn't watch me in pain anymore and told me we were going to A&E otherwise he was going to call an ambulance, so reluctantly I got up out of bed, put on some jeans (with great difficulty) and got in the car.

THE HOSPITAL VISIT

We arrived at A&E around 11:00pm and I was taken into a room with a nurse who asked me a series of questions regarding the pain, I was then taken to a cubicle to wait on a doctor.  Not long after we were greeted by a doctor who asked me all the same questions again and felt my tummy, he then explained to me it could be one of two things; it could either be my urinary tract problems or appendicitis, by this point I was completely sh**ing myself about getting my appendix removed.  The doctor left and told me a surgeon would come down and examine me, in the meantime we had to wait in the cubicle whilst nurses came in and out doing my obs etc.  After a long wait we were finally greeted by a surgeon who I had to start from scratch explaining my symptoms and have him examine my tummy again - which really hurt.  The surgeon gave me the same diagnosis, however said although they weren't ruling appendicitis out it was more likely to be my urinary tract problems as I wasn't unwell, nausea, vomiting, fever or any other symptoms related to appendicitis.  After speaking to the surgeon I was a little relieved, he told me I would have to go for an X-Ray and be admitted overnight till we find out what the cause of the pain is, I very reluctantly agreed however - like a big baby I cried when they told me I had to be admitted due to panicking about college, work, the house move and money. The doctor took some bloods from me and put a cannula in my arm to give me some IV antibiotics and take bloods.  Around 2am they came to collect me for my X-Ray and I had to say goodbye to my man which was awful, I was taken for my X-Ray then taken to a ward upstairs.  I pretty much got no sleep due to noises, nurses, machines etc.

JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE PROBLEMS

The next day a different doctor came round and examined me and told me he would like me to go for an ultrasound as they were still unsure where the pain was coming from.  At 3pm that day a porter came and got me from the ward and took me down for an ultrasound, I sat and waited for 30 minutes before being seen and then finally a nurse came to take me into the scanning room.  I laid on the bed and they put the jelly on my belly and began the ultrasound.  The nurse and ultrasound technician were really nice and put me at ease - at first - till the technician said out loud "WOW look at the size of that cyst". Immediately I panicked and began to cry as I asked where the cyst was, he said "next to your bladder, its 7.6cm big".  That was the only information I got, the nurse was lovely and tried to calm me down and I then returned to my wheelchair and had to wait in the corridor for another porter to take me back to the ward.  As I sat in the corridor I just cried and cried, I couldn't help it as I was so scared.  Shortly after the porter took me to the ward, I kept my cool until I was back on the ward and again I cried as soon as I was back in bed. I had pulled my curtain over so no one could see me.  I called my partner crying to explain what had happened, and told him they hadn't given me any information other than a 7.6cm cyst.  My main worry was that it was on my ovary but no one could even tell me if this was the case.  I asked a nurse when I would find out and her response was "when the doctor comes, it could be whenever", the most unhelpful nurses ever.

Around 4.30pm my partner and my mum had come in, I was feeling a bit better by this point but they knew how scared I was, my mum spoke to a nurse and after harassing them a good few times they agreed to speak to the doctor.  A little bit later the doctor came to speak to me and told me the cyst was in fact on my ovary, I instantly cried - again!  The doctor couldn't answer any of my questions such as "Will this affect my fertility, will it harm me if it bursts, could I lose an ovary?" His response was "I don't want to lie to you, I'm not a gynaecologist so I don't know". He then told me they were going to transfer me to a different hospital where they had a gynaecology department and they could help me more.  I waited 6 hours on an ambulance to come up to complete the transfer to then be told the ambulances were busy elsewhere and they had called me a taxi, I was extremely annoyed at this since my mum and partner were there and I could've gone in the car with them.

THE TRANSFER

Finally at 11.15pm-ish the taxi arrived and off I went to the other hospital, it was around 11.45pm when I finally arrived at the hospital, I was glad to finally get a bed - and I also had a room of my own which was good after getting no sleep the previous night.  The nurse took my obs and explained a doctor would be in to speak to me soon - around 1am the doctor arrived and answered all my questions, he reassured me they would do everything they could to ensure no damage was made to my ovary and explained any surgery necessary would be done via keyhole surgery, I felt better after speaking to him - he put my mind at ease a little and he told me the specialist doctor would be there to see me in the morning and examine me and go from there.

THE COMPLICATIONS

The next morning my specialist gynaecologist doctor came in to speak to me, she explained how she'd just read my huge medical file from the day I was born till now - and asked me to explain my symptoms once more.  She asked about my periods and sexual health and apologised for being so personal.  After examining me she suggested an internal examination would give her a clearer picture of what was going on, I consented to this and made my way to the examination room.  I had to lay on a bed with my legs in stirrups - not the most attractive thing however I was just glad they were helping me.  She had the internal scan inside me scanning me for what seemed like forever, it was over half an hour anyway which had me really worried as she had a sort of confused look on her face, I tried to keep my composure despite the fact my heart was racing and I was so scared.  She then explained to me my cyst looked harmless and there was no cancerous looking lumps or bumps, however my uterus seemed to look different and have two walls or something, I'm not entirely sure the words she said as it was so much information to take in, she ordered me to go for an MRI scan to find out exactly what was wrong.  At 1pm I went for my MRI scan and then returned to my room.  My mum and partner came to visit and then the doctor returned to let me know she had the results of my MRI, I told her it was OK for my mum and partner to stay.

THE NIGHTMARE

This is where my nightmare truly began.  She confirmed the cyst was a benign cyst - absolutely nothing to worry about, they did not want to remove or drain the cyst and the hope is the cyst will go away on it's own.  She said the cyst was not causing me any pain and the cyst had been found incidental and my pain was coming from my bladder infection.  After tons of good news came the bad news, my uterus - she confirmed I have Uterus Didelphys, which means when I was inside my mother's womb my uterus didn't form properly and I have a wall coming down the middle seperating it into two parts, which can cause miscarriage, and premature birth.  I've already suffered miscarriages so I now have answers as to why it's happened.  As soon as she told me the news I burst into tears, I lay on the bed and sobbed my heart out, I felt like my whole world had just crashed down right in front of me, why was this happening to me?  Why me?  I've wanted a baby for so long and now I may never be a mother with only 63% chance of my baby surviving in my womb.  My partner came over and cuddled me, he was crying right beside me - he knows how much I want to me a mum.


THE DEVASTATION

When everyone left that night I just lay in my hospital bed crying.  My partner was texting me and said he was worried as I sounded upset - I wouldn't answer the phone (due to crying) so he called the front desk and asked the nurses to check on me, so for the rest of the night I had them in and out watching over me when all I wanted was to be left alone.

The next day I was told I could get out with antibiotics to treat my urine infection.  The doctor explained to me she would transfer me to speak to a pre-pregnancy counsellor to help me understand more and deal with my emotions better, and I will return in 3 months for another ultrasound on my cyst.

THE FEAR FOR WHAT MIGHT NEVER BE

Needless to say I'm still trying to get my head around it - I'm beyond devastated and I wish it had been ANYTHING else but this.  It's on my mind all day every day - what if this doesn't happen for me?  What more is life going to throw at me?

My partner has been so supportive.  I'm so thankful for him, he's been my rock and I couldn't of been through any of this without him. He's amazing and he tells me every day we will be parents, we will try everything in our power and we won't give up!